"Land Ho!" Captain Beard exclaimed. His gnarled whiskers sailed voluptuously in the wind of the S.S. Bootyfinder. But it was not just the sight of land that stimulated such an expression, but the beauty on the shoreline which had befallen his sights as he gazed through his erect scope on top of the main mast. "In due course, I shall have me way with her." said the captain to himself while collapsing his scope. "Batten down the hatches me matey's!" Captain beard yelled down to his Hairy Men "Roll away the sails and find me fancy coat! I intend to port this land to plunder some booty! Yar har har!" "Aye aye captain" responded his Hairy Men. The captain and his men docked upon the shore. In his finest silk garments he approach the fair lass. Upon closer inspection, he noticed her beauty to be beyond any treasure he had seen all his years of pillaging. "Rum?" offered the beauty on the beach to Captain Beard. "Yar, nothing seems better to me than cracking a bottle o' grog with a sweetie like yee. My name be Long-John Beard, at yer service." He kneeled and took a mighty swig of the sweetest carribean rum offered. "Nice to meet you Mr. Beard, My name is Theresa." She took the bottle and for a lingering moment, their hands met. They stared deeply into each others eyes "Oh lassie, if yer peepers were any more jade they would plunder me soul. Let me take ye upon me ship and show ye the sweet trade." Theresa stopped and pondered the proposition, but accepted the proposal with much vigor. The Captain took her by the hand and led her up the ramp into the S.S. Bootyfinder

"Slather me poop deck, girly, with me frothing soap!" said the captain as Theresa was bent over, scrubbing his wooden deck with erotic enthusiasm. It was almost too much for the Captain, he needed her, and he needed her now. "Enter me chambers lassy, I need you in the privy of me corner." Entering the room, he revealed his stiff woody to Theresa "How did you get that peg leg!" Theresa gasped. "If ye wish to know, I could use yer smooth hands to polish me dubloons, if ye get me drift." said the Captain with a wink. Theresa seemed a bit confused, yet aroused, "Like, you want me to..." And then LongJohn beard pulled out 5 golden doubloons from his pocket and cloth. "Lassy, I intend for these cob dollars to be as beautiful as yee. Please, lend me a hand, as it seems I have misplaced mine yar har har!" said the Captain as he twisted his hooked hand around. Theresa took the coins, and gave them a good shine.

"Where to Cap'?" said Captain Beards first mate. "Yarr! I have a clue, it reads that we must find [insert book code here]. Now leave me be to bid farewell to me lady!" "Aye Aye captain. "I had a really good time Mr. Beard." said Theresa, with the setting sun shining it's golden glow over the vast ocean. "Yarr and me as well, I hope ye now understand not all pirates are baddies, yarrrrrrrr." Theresa looked down, looking like she wanted to say something but didn't know how. Suddenly, she started to blush "Do you, you know, want to do it?" she said sheepishly. "Do it? Like do a pirate shanty! Arr, yes I would love to but I be three sheets to the wind me deary!" said the Captain, with uproarious laughter. "No, no that. Like do you want to..." she paused, looked down, then looked back up, "...have sex?" Captain beard was taken aback "Shiver me timbers lassy! How dare ye consider defiling the sanctity of the S.S. Bootyfinder with such carnal undertakings! Off the plank with ye!" So they threw her off the plank and sailed away.